Tuesday, September 21, 2010

It's Impossible to Bake Bread at Home: This is not a recipe.

Dear fellow loaves,

Did you know you can't make bread at home any more?  That's right; it all has to be store-bought now.  Back in the day, people made bread at home pretty much every darn day, and it was downright good bread, too.  Ma knew exactly what ingredients she was mixing into the bowl and feeding to her family.  She knew where the ingredients came from, how healthy they were, how much they really cost, and what they looked like.  And better yet, the kids loved the bread - they didn't have to be forced to eat "healthy" stuff, no, they had to be begged to stop gobbling it all down without sharing. 

Ma was no real expert on bread-making when she started, but she kept at it until she had it down "pat".  After all, bread-making was invented in the home.  Somebody realized they needed something to spread their fruit jam on, and the universal loaf was invented.  It satisfied a need.  It was real, and it was good.

Sadly, those days are gone.  As many of you know, it's virtually impossible to make bread at home now.  Why is that, you ask?  Well, the most important reason is - nobody else does it.  Honestly, who wants to deviate from the norm... And storebought bread, made with flour stripped of the original complex nutrients, is niacin enriched - how could you deprive your kids of niacin enriched bread by making homemade crap and not buying a plastic wrapped loaf at the store?  Please, just do the right thing for your kids.

All of the neighbor kids have cool sandwiches - when you take a bite, the bread sticks to the top of your mouth like a dental mold, and you can almost smell the rich, earthy scent of mono and di-glycerides - which brings us to the other amazing feature of storebought bread!  You can buy a loaf and leave it on your counter for, well gosh, a few weeks.  You can completely ignore it, forget about it, and pick it up later when you are ready to enjoy it.  That homemade stuff?  It takes constant care - has to be baked weekly, or it goes bad. 

Yeah, and did I mention how long it takes to make bread?  You have to mix ingredients, let it sit, shape it, let it rise, bake it - in other words, no rest for the weary!  Why not just go to the store, throw some money down, and get a loaf baked by somebody else?

The FDA is a fantastic government organization that ensures the safety and quality of the average loaf of bread -  if you make bread at home, you'll have to research ingredients, nutrients, carbohydrates, procedures, even bakeware.  If you buy storebought bread, then snap, all of those decisions are taken care of, and you rest in the capable and sure hands of the government. 

Don't worry, though.  Storebought bread isn't 100% compulsory - not yet.  But we can see to it that it becomes that way - save the ignorant people from making their own decisions, if we at all can.  Relieve them of the burden of using their minds.


A homebaked loaf

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Thinking you might have missed the point?  Read the explanation of this allegory here.  

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